We all want the connection, companionship, and intimacy that come with relationships. But what do you do when the passion fizzles out and you’re stuck in a sexless marriage? It may have you wondering if the relationship can be saved. Maybe you’ve even googled “When to walk away from a sexless marriage“.
You’re not alone.
In the US, around 20% of married couples are estimated to be sexless, and another 15% have a low-sex marriage.
“My Sexless Marriage is Killing Me!”
Experiencing a sexless marriage can take a toll on your emotional and psychological well-being. The pain of lacking intimacy and physical touch can lead to feelings of loneliness, anxiety, and depression. Many couples end up avoiding the topic altogether only adding to their frustration, anger, and sadness. Not addressing the issue ends up leaving them feeling more disconnected. All of these challenges can make relationships vulnerable to strain and fracture.
How Does a Marriage Become Sexless?
There are several potential reasons why couples might face a lack of intimacy in their marriages.
Often, busy schedules leave little time for physical connection and emotional bonding. Partners take for granted being intentional about setting time aside to connect. A common complaint is that they can’t find the time or the energy to initiate sex. For many, sleep often sounds more enjoyable than sex.
For others, emotional distance begins first. Without that closeness, there is a lack of sexual motivation. Feeling connected to their partners is a key component to their erotic template, without it, they lack sexual desire.
Medical conditions such as chronic pain, chronic illness, or surviving cancer can make sex painful, uncomfortable or difficult. Many will struggle with body image issues and feelings of grief, due to the changes in their body
Age is way more than just a number, especially as it relates to our hormones. Hormone production declines as we age, which can lead to a decrease in libido and difficulty with arousal.
Life is ever-changing, but sometimes that change takes a toll on our libido due to added stress. These life transitions can range from moving, becoming parents, career changes, or the loss of a loved one
How To Reignite a Sexless Marriage
Rejuvenating a sexless marriage requires commitment, determination, and mutual effort. Although it’s not always a quick fix, many couples have successfully navigated this journey and reignited their spark.
You too can rekindle the passion with the right support and guidance!
Let’s take a look at some steps couples can take to help navigate the challenges and reignite their desire and connection:
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- Talk About It: Start by creating a safe space for open conversations. Discuss your feelings, desires, and concerns with empathy and understanding. Be as invested in your partners’ needs being met as you are about yours being met. Conflict resolution works best when we seek to understand each other’s perspective and work together to find common ground.
- Create a Shame-Free Environment: Often without trying or knowing the damage it can cause, partners will shame each others’ sexual desires/preferences. Even though a partner’s fantasies and wishes may catch us off guard, the best thing is to stay grounded and curious. You are under no obligation to engage in an activity that goes against your boundaries or values, but shaming your partner will only make it more difficult for them to be open and honest with you.
- Address the Issues You’ve Avoided: If there are unresolved issues in your relationship stemming from infidelity, betrayal, or any other past hurts then you’re going to want to address them. Couples often mistakenly believe that time heals all wounds. It doesn’t. It’s the work that we do within that time to address the hurt that heals.
- Start Off Slow: People are often overwhelmed about at the idea of introducing sex back into their relationships when they haven’t had it in a long time. This can leave them feeling anxious and intimidated. It’s ok to take small steps to rebuild intimacy. Start with non-sexual affection, such as cuddling, holding hands, or giving massages. Focus on reconnecting emotionally and nurturing the emotional bond between you and your partner.
- Try Something New to Spice Things Up: Novelty fuels desire and makes everything feel more intense. Be open to trying new things together, both inside and outside the bedroom. Explore new ways to enhance physical and emotional intimacy, such as trying new experiences, introducing romance, or engaging in shared hobbies. In the bedroom, try new sexual positions or try a sex toy. Always talk about boundaries and have your partner’s consent before introducing anything new in the bedroom, otherwise, you might put out the fire before it gets burning by catching your partner off-guard.
- Work with a Sex Therapist: Consider seeking the guidance of a sex therapist to provide you with professional support. Sex therapists are licensed psychotherapists; we have been trained to help people address issues related to their sexuality. Sex therapy is talk therapy; no touch is involved. The benefits of this type of support is we provide a neutral and supportive environment to address deeper issues, improve communication, and guide you in reigniting desire and connection.
Facing the challenges of a sexless marriage, reigniting desire and connection can seem daunting. But with dedication, patience, and open communication, rebuilding intimacy and revitalizing your relationship is possible.
Take the steps together and address the issue collectively. Start by creating a plan to reconnect with your partner and strengthen your bond. Your hard work and commitment will pay off!
Eliza Boquin, MA, LMFT is a licensed marriage & family therapist (LMFT), relationship therapist, sex therapist, and certified energy healing practitioner in Houston, TX. Her work has been featured in Health Magazine, XO Necole, Cosmopolitan, BlackLove.com, Therapy for Black Girls Podcast, and more. She is also the co-founder of Melanin & Mental Health, LLC. Her focus is helping Black and Latinx communities have healthier, mutually-satisfying relationships. She sees clients throughout Texas virtually and in-person out of her Houston, TX office. If you’re interested in receiving the support of one of Houston’s top couples and sex therapist then CLICK HERE to book your complimentary phone consultation.
