Breaking up is a painful process that is followed by grief. After a breakup, there are many losses. We not only lose our partners, but we also lose the dream of what we thought our future would look like. We lose support, companionship, and comfort.
Learning to live life without the person we love is difficult. Though you’ve gone your separate way, there is often an urge to reach out and make contact. We tell ourselves we’re checking on them to ensure their well-being. It can be challenging to resist the urge to chat with someone you’ve become accustomed to talking to. It might start by scrolling their social media accounts (today’s version of driving past their house). Often we’re looking for signs that they’re missing us as much as we miss them.
Sounds harmless enough, right?
Maybe not.
Ongoing Contact Delays Healing
The truth is that we often delay the healing process when we’re in constant contact with someone. As difficult as it is, silence and no contact is what we need most after a breakup. By taking some time to heal and get over the breakup, we can start fresh and be ready to move on with our lives.
What is the Power of Silence?
In this context, silence refers to refraining from any form of communication or contact with an ex-partner. While it may seem counterintuitive at first, embracing silence can profoundly impact your healing journey. Silence gives you the space and time you need to process your emotions and move on with your life.
The spirit of no contact is not punitive. It’s rooted in self-care.
Ghosting Versus Silence After Breakup
No contact after a breakup is different from ghosting.
Ghosting is when one person abruptly and without explanation cuts off all communication with another person in the relationship. It involves a sudden and complete disappearance, leaving the person who has been ghosted confused, hurt, and often with no closure.
On the other hand, the power of silence is a deliberate choice to create emotional distance and focus on personal healing and growth. It is an act of self-care aimed at establishing boundaries and allowing oneself to process emotions without immediate interference from the ex-partner.
The intention behind silence is to foster personal reflection and regain independence. Embracing no contact enables you to gain clarity, process your emotions, and create a solid foundation for future relationships.
Processing Your Emotions
After a breakup, you are bound to have many emotions ranging from relief to regret. During this time, it can be tempting to reach out to your ex to get some closure or just to reconnect. However, this can often lead to confusion and potential hurt feelings, so it’s best to keep your distance during this time.
During this difficult time, you may find it helpful to process what you’re going through in therapy or through journaling. By sticking to a no-contact policy, you can focus solely on your healing and avoid any potential conflicts or distractions.
Unfollow, Delete, Avoid
When the pain of a breakup is at its worst, the urge to reach out may feel too powerful to resist. We need dopamine from hearing their voice or reading their text. The trouble is this often delays or slows down the recovery process, which can make things worse.
To support your healing and recovery, it’s important to remove them from your social media feed, avoid the places you know you may bump into them, and delete their contact information. This may feel like a drastic measure, but getting used to life without them is how you move forward and start to heal.
Using Silence as a Tool
Without these external distractions, you have a greater chance of gaining clarity about your personal needs and desires. Silence is our greatest tool for self-reflection and exploration.
During this time, reflect on the dynamics of the relationship. What red flags did you ignore? How did you bargain with yourself to stay in the relationship even when it got bad? This period of introspection can help you identify dysfunctional patterns you weren’t aware of. This can be a difficult but important period of self-examination.
Strengthening Your Inner Voice
Healing necessitates our ability to hear our inner voice. Developing a clearer connection with our intuition not only aids in our current healing process but also prepares us for future relationships.
Use this time to begin paying more attention to those subtle signs, emotions, or hunches that stir up inside you. Our intuition guides what is best for us, but often we ignore it. Begin to strengthen it by asking yourself questions about what feels right or wrong for you. Pay attention to your gut reactions. Be present and notice what is happening at the moment.
This is a time to reinforce your connection to yourself.
Your Words Can’t Be Manipulated When You’re Silent
If you were in a relationship with someone who manipulated your words, silence is your best option. By not having contact with your ex, you protect yourself from gaslighting, defensiveness, and other forms of emotional abuse. For many, this is a welcome reprieve.
It Will Still Be Painful
No matter how you decide to move forward, the breakup will still be painful. There’s been a loss of a deep emotional connection and the dissolution of shared dreams and plans. Yes, there will be grief. Breakups can also trigger feelings of rejection and inadequacy. Often they shake our confidence. Plus, it takes effort to untangle intertwined lives. Often, you’re not just breaking up with a partner. You’re also saying goodbye to their friends and family, whom you came to love. Adjusting to a new reality can be overwhelming and disorienting.
Self-Compassion and Support
After a breakup, practicing self-compassion is crucial as you navigate painful emotions. Offering yourself kindness and understanding will help you heal at your own pace. Give yourself grace and forgive yourself for any perceived shortcomings or mistakes you made during the relationship. You can now focus on your personal growth.
Resist the urge to isolate yourself. Surround yourself with a supportive network of friends, family, and a therapist who can provide the encouragement and understanding you need during this vulnerable time. You need people who can serve as reminders that you will get through this and rebuild your life.
You Will Heal
You won’t heal by going around or ignoring the pain. As the saying goes, the only way out is through. With intention and support, you can resist the urge to make contact. And with time, you will overcome this loss. Allow the power of silence to be your first step toward liberation.
Start Relationship Therapy with the Flow & Ease Healing Center in Houston, Texas to Heal From Your Breakup
Eliza Boquin, MA, LMFT, is a licensed psychotherapist, relationship therapist, and sex therapist. She specializes in helping people have healthier, mutually-satisfying relationships. She is a Houston-based therapist committed to offering a secure setting where Black and Latinx people can address the unique issues affecting our communities.
Getting started is easy. Begin today by scheduling your complimentary 15-minute phone consultation. Then, book your first appointment for an individual session | a couples session | or a sex therapy session. Then get ready to transform your relationship!